Tuesday, December 29, 2009

He knows best

this picture has nothing to do with my post, but it reminded me of Ayra.

It has taken me quite a long time ( in my view at least) to calmly accept things as they are and to not question my fate or whatever that has been put in my way.

I may not be the most pious of people, but I always strongly believe in one thing - that Allah knows what is best for us.

I’m submitting an application today for something that I really want for myself, my daughter and family. Its as simple as that. Its not about anything else attached with it.

I was late submitting the forms as work has been hectic, things at home has also been hectic and because my parents and the siblings were away for a very long time dealing with the maid has also been hectic. (I secretly think she is whackd, but that is another story for another day)

The H called me and said “ Erm macam takde chance je nie ramai sgt orang mintak nie, dah ada sampai yg jampi jampi borang nie pun,”

On the night that I went to Aunty Aini’s house to get all my documents verified she said “ Liyana, ramai orang mintak nie, maybe you should ask mama to talk to the dean, or maybe nak aunty cakapkan kat dean tak?,”

The Malaysian way of getting what you want - get strong cables. You’ll be set for life. But why can anyone be accepted because they deserve it because you know they have the potential (also another story for another day.)

So whatever happens, I will leave it to him, as he knows best.

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (Surah Baqarah: 216)

Al-Hasan al-Basri said: “Do not resent the calamities that come and the disasters that occur, for perhaps in something that you dislike will be your salvation, and perhaps in something that you prefer will be your doom.”

“And when someone puts all his trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.” (Surah at-Talaaq:3)

So I have faith in Him and trust in Him and although, sometimes I may not understand the reason behind certain things, I know that whatever he wills for me is for the best.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Seperti Pungguk Rindukan Bulan

At exactly this point in time while listening to politicians talk about god knows what in vocal chords that are straining I'am missing my daughter.

They are I think talking about unity, changes, the future. I am thinking about my cosy bed, the laundry, my parents, my husband, charles and keith wedges and how I can't really afford the shoes, not this month anyway.

They go on on and on. But everything just sorts of fade into the background turning into smoke. Funny, they way they keep talking about empowering everything and I'am still running around to public toilets to pump milk for her.

* I mean they are rooms provided for breastfeeding at malls, but there is only one small room provided in a general big room for babies - for nappy change and everything else *

So forgive me for being cynical. Words are just words after all, and most of the time talk is cheap. All I wanted to do today when I woke up was roll around in bed with her, and this is still what I want to do at exactly 5.00pm.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Am so stressed out. The past week, well, I’m not going to lie, I just want to walk out the door and run away.

I fantasize that I get into a cab, pretend to go to work when instead I go to the airport, and fly to a warm tropical island, with a really beautiful beach, and get served apple crumble and cold lemon juice the whole week. Can anyone help me with this? Can anyone help me escape? Really, can you kidnap me?

So, yes, I fantasized all week long about the perfect getaway.

There are some days that I just do not want to deal. I just don't want to do anything or think about anything.I just don’t want to do anymore laundry, dishes, office work pretending about a variety of matters, dinner ,picking up toys,billschanging the sheets and unscrubbed toilets.

I do not want to think about the leak near the sofa, the dirty balcony from the rain and my bank balance.

Lets not even talk about the stares at work that I get for daring to leave early after I finished to squeeze some play time in with my daughter instead of just arriving to pick her up when she is about to fall asleep and is not in the best of moods..

And the worst part of the week was the big argument I had with the H on what else, FINANCIAL MATTERS. I hate having arguments about money. I detest it. So the argument not only majorly made me physically sick it is still leaving traces of anxiety and headaches in its dreadful wake.

Couple these frantic headaches with heartaches and lack of sleep due to Ayra's change in sleeping patterns - again, I swear I want to just disappear.
After hitting rock-bottom the only way you can go is up right?

Free hugs anyone?

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Another one bites the dust & eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

A recent turn of events in the family has left me feeling a little nostalgic.

When we were small little girls, my cousins were like an extension of my sisters. We looked forward to seeing each other at our weekly gatherings in Opah’s house, would call each other on Friday to make sure everyone came, planned activities, had sleepovers at each others houses went on holidays together and talked about everything. Yes and we fought like mad also, we had moments but most of all we just loved each other’s company.

We were the crazy Mokhtar girls after all.

Remember when when our mothers had a day out and we were left at Opah’s..we were so bored we sneaked out of the house and walked all the way to Esso to get snacks and fizzy drinks, but Opah caught us afterwards ;-)

When we became teenagers, raging hormones and acne plagued us and we started to develop distinctive personalities, we now had other friends other commitments, boyfriends and a life outside of the family circle. But we still managed to meet on Saturdays at Opah’s place, only the topics discussed and talked about changed.

Remember when we were bored (again) in Kampung and took Tok’s car to Lumut, we ended up taking the ferry to Pangkor, almost missed the last ferry back and got a long lecture afterwards?
Remember the family trip to Kuala Terengganu, when we went to visit Makcik Teh’s family? When all three cars kena saman for speeding ;-) and we spent the day in Pulau Kapas..

Remember when we watched Juon at Pakcik Yon’s place one raya and everyone was afraid to go to the toilet, we sort of squeezed into one car to go back to opah’s house?

There were good times. I miss my cousins. Now that most of us have our own lives, our own little families to care for we don’t really hang out anymore. We just see each other during Raya or family gatherings or with quick updates via facebook.

Like I said I was feeling nostalgic. So congratulations to Medina, our makan dates and weekly gatherings at Opah’s place wont be the same without you!

Sunday, October 4, 2009


I think every parent would like to think of their children in the best possible way, I think every relationship or bond that a parent develops with their children is as simple and as complicated as that four letter L word that lingers around everyone's life.

The other day, I had kind of a bad day and we were late fetching Ayra back from my aunty's place, I had a splitting headache ( I think I need glasses!) and when she was in the car and we were saying our goodbye's for the day, she sort of made a face and reached out her hands to my aunty wanting to stay. My heart broke and I cried quietly all the way back home.
How do you 'merajuk' with a seven month old anyway?

I did not feel angry mostly just sad, and the usual thoughts of guilt made me feel slightly psychotic throughout the day. I wonder if every working mum out there feels the same?

Another ' heart was ripped out of chest incident' happened just the other day when I had to attend a course for a few days. Previously we had spent almost a week together for the Raya holidays and she was used to me being around.

She was being fidgety and cranky, and when I put on my hijab, and passed her to Muji ( mama's helper) she reached out both her hands to me and said 'mema'.
I swear I had to drag my feet out the door and my already fragile heart broke into millions and millions of pieces.

She can babble now, and has learned to say ' Mema' to call me and ' Dada' to call daddy. And ' nenenene' for breastmilk.

So ayra, this is sort of an open letter to you, I hope when you grow up into your teenage years ( insyallah) and your full of hormones and in your I hate everyone stage, Please remember that I love you even if am being wonky difficult or old and that I will always love you and even if you're angry and mad at me to keep my heart intact and in a safe place.

It can only break so many times you know?
Oh and its 5am in the morning and I'am doing your laundry. So later when you work and earn your millions a coach bag, dior sunglasses, louboutin heels and a nice spa treat would be nice. HeHeHe.

Love you Waiwa.

* Mama*

Monday, September 28, 2009

Bubbles become Me.

our first eid potrait as a family.
*Happy eid everyone*

And time passes.

Yes. I did not blog for the whole fasting month, partly because I was running around like mad keeping up with everything and partly because I was worried about some personal matters ;-)

The good news is I managed to fast for a whole month again, so I would not have to ganti my fast for next year and the answer to the obvious question is NO.

My friend is just being a lil wonky. Although I was starting to get worried. Luckily clearblue cleared up everything in two minutes. ;-)

Oh and I know its soooo late but I hope everyone had a good raya, I humbly seek forgiveness for anything that I have done to hurt, scar or maim.

Please blame the mind and not the heart!

The little one is growing so fast before my eyes its unbelievable

I was a bit stressed prior to Raya as I did all the preparations last minute, but it turned out okay. And I love how all our family potraits turned out * thank you sophie* and * aaron's camera*

It was good to catch up with family and friends although we did not manage to catch everyone!! Time can be so limited...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Its been six months *

Remember this?

ayra rayyan at six months * heart melts *

Ayra is now half a year. And how time flies. She can now gurgle and rolls all over the place and me and the H can finally have a proper conversation with her although most of the time we don’t understand anything she says. And when she’s in a good mood (well rested and kenyang) she is the most sweetest darling. (I guess every mom out there would probably say the same thing about their baby.)

I’ve only been a mommy for six months and that does not make me an expert in any way, but these are some of the things I wished someone had told me before I gave birth just to ease the little bit of shock to my system ;-)

Some girlfriends have been asking me for advice ( I don’t why since I feel like like such a klutz whenever I handle Ayra) and the family (both sides) and the internet were never short of tips and advice but the tips below are sort of my personal take on the motherhood thing especially for first timers - So here it is in no particular order :-

1) Learn to take a shower, put on your clothes and makeup all under 20 minutes because the baby WILL takeover all of your time, you can practice this while your pregnant. Pretend that your training for the amazing race.

2) Hold your ground and don’t get irritated when old well meaning relatives give you advice. AND there is going to be loadssss of antiquated advice. Just smile, pretend your ears went for a holiday and say repeat after me ‘ OOOOOO Tak tau punnnnnnn!!!

3). That fun "period" you get after you give birth? Don't worry, that's not your liver in the toilet. I actually called my mum to check.

4) Get rid of all your small cute handbags. Will never be used again for a while. So might as well make profit out of it. Invest in good big slouchy roomy bags that you can throw the kitchen sink in.

5) If you plan to breastfeed, its not going to be easy but persevere. The benefits are out of this world. Your boobs are going to be engorged and will look like something out of a fetish video but persevere persevere persevere, its easy and convenient when you go out all you need is a cover and your baby will have a supple and strong body.

6) Motherhood is a messy business. Baby sick seems to spurt everywhere and if you're breastfeeding you might suffer from a few leaks. Stock up with bibs, baby muslins and breast pads to mop up all the spillages . Stock up on Febreze, put one in the car in the house in your handbag if possible. ‘Little’ accidents happen when you least expect it.

7) Everyone will also try to squeeze in their two cents worth when the time comes to put your baby’s name in the birth certificate stick to your choice and your guns and practice your stiff upper lip. Unless of course you want your baby to have ten names.

8) Don’t worry if it seems like you can’t cope. Accept help. Don’t over analyse, have that piece of cake if you want to. During the first few weeks spoil yourself and be self-indulgent. You deserve it.

9) In your journey into motherhood you will invariable encounter the ‘dreaded competitive mum’. If irritated start making stuff up. Tell them your baby started muttering the phrase "Einstein was wrong" while sleeping.

10) Whenever you feel overwhelmed and on the verge of a mental breakdown. Stroke your baby’s cheeks. Inhale the sweet baby smell. Guaranteed to bring at least a faint smile to your lips. And nothing makes you look better than a smile.

11) The ‘yammy mammy’ thing ? All hype by celebrities and mammy’s with cash to burn and a hundred personal assistants you don’t have to live up to that ideal.

Friday, July 31, 2009

An ode to 20072007

When I first saw it, there was nothing extra-ordinary about it in fact it was a simple paper-back wedged between bestsellers screaming for attention.

I ignored it. My husband picked it up and waved it in front of my face. “ Read it” he said.

“ Mesti you suka,” he said.I looked up from a copy of a recent book my journalists friends were marvelling about. I gave my husband the “ can you pls not kacau me smile” but he insisted.

I read the first few lines and then a page and then a chapter. I was hooked. I couldn’t put in down. I had my nose buried in it for a week whenever I could steal moments to myself.

Here is a preview:

“ We think we know the ones we love. Our husbands our wives. We know them - we are them sometimes; separated at a party we find ourselves voicing their opinions, their taste in food or books, telling an anecdote that never happened to us but happened to them. We watch their tic of conversation, of driving and dressing, how they touch a sugar cube to their coffee, and stare as it turns white to brown then drop it satisfied into the cup.

“ We think we know them. We think we love them. But what we love turns out to be a poor translation, a translation we ourselves have made, from a language we barely know. We try to get past it to the original, but we never can. We have seen it all. But what have we really understood?

“ One morning we awaken. Beside us, that familiar sleeping body in the bed: a new kind of stranger.

“ Perhaps you cannot see a marriage. Like those giant heavenly bodies invisible to the human eye it can only be charted by its gravity, its pull on everything around it.,”

Andrew Sean Greer from his book The Story of a Marriage.

I always seem to think the H comes from planet blur. Once in a while he does something that truly amazes me. I loved books that I could escape into. This one is a gem.

* I recently celebrated my 2nd wedding anniversary - - How time flies when your spending time with a hobbit. Hobbits rock my world ;-) Luff cha you silly billy.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Rasa Hingar Bingar * Adakah Kita Lupa Tentang Akar Umbi, Asal Diri, *


I just realised that I didn't blog for the whole month of June. ;-p erm I feel sort of bad and guilty for not updating the blog- not the traits of a very good blogger kan-?..well I know its not a solid excuse but I have been a very very busy lady.


I love language in its many many forms. I do. I love words. I love poems, a good book an excellent quote. A song well written. A good commentary, article or blog entry.

And you know what? It can be in any language, but if it touches you delivers a point, it really does not matter right if its mandarin, hindi, english, french or some long lost dialect.

This whole arguing about how low the standard of English is among rural students or students in general or even teachers is tiring and frankly to me at least misses the whole point. SO SO many things have been brought to the table, discussed, rehashed, changed, when ultimately I think the the desire to improve ANYTHING has to come from the students or the teachers themselves.

I mean someone up there can spend billions and billions trying to improve something, but in the end if the students or teachers as individuals do not cooperate, erm SAMA je kan??

And because so much emphasis is given to the English language, no one really cares that the standard of Bahasa Melayu is also declining among urban students. Some of them can’t even string proper sentences in Malay? And at the same time have the nerve to call themselves Malaysians? Apa ni? The other day I had a friend’s daughter asking me what does the word ‘raga’ mean. Raga as in bakul or basket. Tak rasa macam parah ke macam ni? Saya rasa sangat sedih.

Some parents are talking about taking their children out of the national schools and enrolling them into international or private schools just because they were upset about the government’s decision on PPSMI.

Sure the education system is not perfect. It has many flaws. But it is not the language’s mistake. Even I think I would have scored better in Mathematics and Science if it was taught in English during my time...

You can agree or disagree with me it does not matter, Tapi Bahasa Malaysia tu Bahasa Kebangsaan, Bahasa kita. Identiti kita. God I sound like a politician. Worse I sound like a nationalistic politician who is into this colonism argument. ISH.

Tak, the thing that I’am worried about is the warped image, the ‘typical english language speaking urbanite youth of our nation’ have of Bahasa Melayu. Some excerpts of the people I have spoken to:

“ I like speaking in English, when I speak in Malay it sounds weird,”

" Speaking in Malay is only for people who stay in Kampungs,"

Its true. This coming out of a Melayu’s mouth. Tak malu betul.

It is not rempit language, it is not longkang language. it is not pasar language. It is a language used by the Malacca sultanate for god’s sake.

Its just like having this warped weird idea that people who wear the scarf cannot possibly converse in English or people from Kelantan cannot string sentences together. Its absurd. I have meet many Kelantanese who speak both languages wonderfully. (Hi Linda, I hope you’re reading this post)

Entah. Saya bertambah bingung dan risau tentang nasib anak bangsa saya.
And yes I blog in English. Tapi saya boleh bertutur serta menulis dalam Bahasa Malaysia. ( this is another topic for another day and if you have any doubt please refer to the intro this post.)

Please feel free to leave comments. Tapi saya kurang berminat terhadap komen komen yg berunsur negatif. Saya lebih terbuka kepada komen komen yang membina dan menjurus kepada perbincangan yang sihat.
So no hate mail. Because everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Friday, May 22, 2009


The H is out of town for four days on a company trip to Vietnam, on my first weekend off for the month.When I found out he was going, I kind of freaked a little bit did a week long of complaining and finally settled into organising me and the munchkin’s schedules.

I made a long list of things that I needed to finish and planned some girly stuff to do and swore that I am going to have fun without him. I always think I am going to have fun without him.

Still, I end up missing him. Just when I thought that I needed some time to myself, I find myself just wanting to be with him.

Isn't that a funny thing, for weeks at a time wanting time alone for yourself, but then when the moment comes you just want to be with that particular person?

I guess there is truth to that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

It still suprises me how independent I think I am when I am with him and when he is gone I can't bear to be without him. It's a weird thing, this marriage stuff. ISh ISh ISh. Kenapalah sayang sangat dengan budak senget nie!
And yes its a jiwang- post. SO WHAT? I'am allowed not to have thoughts of mass destruction for a bit - -

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sorry the person you have called is not available right now. Please try again later.

If I can cut myself into pieces and station pieces of me at everyplace that I have to be I would.

Our time now is mostly spent on the road, sometimes with the lil one in tow. We lead crazy topsy turvy lives. Sometimes I wonder if we would ever experience any sort of normalcy ever. I wonder if it would affect Ayra in anyway.

We have stuff in four places and we are always carrying three bags in the car for each of us. The backseat of the car is filled with files, plastic bags, the baby car seat my EBM ( expressed breast milk) equipment, towels, baby blankets, and more files.

Sometimes halfway on our way to work, we forget something back home and sometimes halfway on our way back home we get calls to come back to the office. Ayra is transferred from one place to the next macam nomad botak yg kecik . From small asyik on the move.

Our conversations consist of planning for the next day, week and month to coincide with our monthly work schedules and who would be available to replenish Ayra’s milk supply by lunchtime.

Sometimes I wonder if I’am really crazy to insist that my daughter is given breastmilk and minimal formula milk?
In between our attempts to spend time with Ayra spend time together, fill work commitments, fill family commitments and catch some sort of sleep, I can barely gather myself together, I feel like a bomb ready to explode at any minute.

And to make matters truly wonderful, I don’t even have a voice to scream.

I now know that my parents are superhumans. And I’am the daughter that did not inherit any of their superhuman abilities, because I feel like crawling into a dark hole and hibernating.

I also know now that 24hours in a day is never enough.

Okay. I’am going to pass out now.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My heart is outside my body.

introducing Muhammad Aisy Syamel Bin Haikal
Congratulations to Adek & Haikal
Aisy is super cute!
Motherhood means that you are no longer in control of your life.

You have absolutely no control over how much sleep you have, the course of your day, or your emotions. From day one of motherhood now until you die, your heart will live outside your body in the persona of your child/children, who are free to fill it up or abuse it at will.

And despite all this, I still cannot get enough of the lil munchkin.

Happy 3rd Month Ayra Rayyan,
Mama loves you a lil bit too much in all your sepetness, dogolness and kopi susuness glory. You will always be my beautiful eldest baby girl.

Also Happy Mommies Day to all - a bit late as always tapi dengan hati yg sgt ikhlas heh.

To Mama Sweeto
You are my bestest everest everestest.
I'am glad now we get to celebrate together

And a big thank you to the H and the family for making my first mother's day extra special. Kasut buaya saya sangat canggih - -

On another note, Ayra is now bald. heh. Not that she had much hair to begin with ;-) but hair grows... I would blog more about it, but my youngest sister sort of beat me to it : you can check out her post here : http://naziramokhtar.blogspot.com/2009/05/kimikos-first-on-shaving-midterms.html

Gtg motherhood duties are a callin!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

This may concern you.

Money is not everything.

But not everyone understands this. Personally I think I’m not someone who is fussy with money. I try to give as much as I take and hopefully by doing this Allah will always murahkan my rezeki. Amin.

I truly believe in helping anyone who asks for help, genuinely or otherwise, because if a person is ‘ikhlas’ the rewards can be found elsewhere. (not that I’m encouraging anything here;-) hehe. I have a baby to support tau. heheh.

But seriously, I never make lists or ask back for money that I have loaned to anyone. I feel that being too ‘berkira’ and counting dollars and cents causes a lot of unwanted trouble and hurt.

Apa lagi with those who are closest and dearest to us.

Selagi I can afford , I love spending my hard earned money on my loved ones. It does not have to be much, but I like to treat my siblings and parents to a nice meal or give my siblings some spending money or buy little presents. It makes me happy and I want my salary to be ‘berkat’.

So, when someone close to me chooses to be ‘sgt sgt berkira’ it makes me sad. It makes me feel like I owe the person, a massive debt..

I hate the feeling..its as if everything that person ever gave to you or any favour that they have ever done for you needs to be repayed and was never ‘ikhlas’ in the first place.

Talk about emotional baggage kan?

As for you, I’ll never ever look at you the same way again. And I promise to never ask anything of you ever again. And I’m very very sorry for all the trouble you had to go through to come out with an f***king list of what we are worth.

I certainly think we are worth more, she is worth more than anything in this world and you can never put a price ever on anyone of us.

I realise the importance of saving especially now, but I realise the importance of giving too.I have always believed in this. No matter what people say. And yes I’m going to be freaking DEGIL about it.

I do not care how many lists you want to keep. I don’t want to be a part of any of your lists and I certainly DO NOT WANT YOUR MONEY.

I love the past. I cherish the present. And I look forward to the future.

The answer to your question is YES.

Samakan? hahaha.

Thank you for being in this game with me and not giving up.

Saya sgt menghargai.

Even when I'm being extra senget and very the makcik.

I'm sort of hoping I'll bounce back soon.

This is so random.

Saya minta maaf. Inspirasi ter'bantut' buat sementara waktu.

But you always inspire me. ;-)

Monday, May 4, 2009

Elmo Rocks!

I need some quality conversation!
ahhh, here comes elmo!
' Sit up straight elmo!'
' It is just me or are you really senget?'

Today everything seems stuck. Writing wise. I think I have that cursed ailment the feared ‘ Writers Block’

I don’t know why. Maybe its because I have been listening and singing too much of the highly addictive but strangely therapeutic ‘ Elmo’s Song’ that my daughter loves.

Elmo. The dreaded red monster that seeps into your subconscious.

Ini serious.

I sit at press conferences and I see him sort of hanging around and playing with the microphones and suddenly breaking into chorus ‘ lallalalalala’

Maybe I’am becoming delusional due to erratic sleeping patterns. He. But Ayra is in love with Elmo and everytime she has a temper the red guy sort of calms her down.

I have problems uploading the video from youtube so if you're interested in red monsters you can check out the video here:


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Just Looking Around.

I’m currently working on a story about part-time jobs that are available out there for retirees, housewives or retrenched workers or basically anyone who wants to fill their time and earn extra income.

I’m also trying to find out about ‘interesting ‘ and ’unique’ part time jobs or anyone who has turn a passion or a hobby into small scale businesses. I also have to list down the top ten most popular part time jobs.

SO please feel free to e-mail me at liyanaihsan@yahoo.com or liyana@nst.com.my if you fit the description above or know anyone who is working part-time or have interesting part time jobs.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Getting the Plague.

What the hell am I doing?

This was the question I posed to the H on our one hour jam filled journey back to my parents place. And the H being the H just said “Sabarlah we are coping the best way we can” this ladies and gentlemen is why I married the guy.

Still I constantly worry, feel like I’am and would be missing Ayra’s milestones (I have no idea what they might be but still!) and to add icing to the melting cake I feel this huge huge amount of guilt.

I read somewhere that you need to be the pilot of your own life. But right now I feel like am standing in a middle of a Robert Frost poem, thinking of journeying on a road less travelled.
I recall hearing somewhere that children never remember the times you were there, only when you weren't. Is that what I want? To be a memory of the mum who wasn't there?

Oh God.

Last night or shall I say morning around 3.00am I woke up not knowing when exactly did I fell asleep. I quietly watched Ayra who was asleep next to the H and felt this huge amount of guilt for not being there to catch her smiles and her gurgles. (she loves a good conversation) during the day.

I came back late yesterday and she promptly feel asleep in between feeds and in the morning I only managed to chat with her for about half an hour before passing her over to her nanna so that I could get ready for work. She feel asleep again in the car and then it was time to leave her again.

I miss the munchkin. I feel like I’m on autopilot travelling in out of my parallel universe.
Is there something out there that makes you use your brain, and earn money without breaking your heart ?

Monday, April 13, 2009

heartbroken mess.

I'am sitting at my desk at work, but my thoughts are somewhere else.

and i miss you and i miss you and i miss you!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Gremlins & a little Munchkin

sleepy ayra's first passport photo!
WARNING : This is going to be a pseudo whiny but happy but still a little depressed and crazy post that has got everything to do with the authors state of mind.

Please proceed if you like reading about babies, family, crazy 26 year olds, holiday trips, fashion, phobias, and other unrelated matters that do not concern your life.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Do not proceed if you are a gremlin, hate babies, do not understand the concept of midnight snacks and cannot swallow pills and the truth.

You know the saying, time flies. Yada Yada Yada. I used to think it was the most overused phrase by everyone in the planet. But hey its true.

My little munchkin would be turning two months this Sunday one day before I start work. BIG SIGHS. Its amazing. Ayra now has more stable sleeping patterns, she can sleep up to four to five hours at night if she is really comfortable. And just as I'm feeling that I'm starting to understand her routine a little and enjoy spending time with her I HAVE to get back to work.

Today I went on a little trip with her to Bangsar to familiarise her with my aunty and her family who would be minding her when I get back to work. She slept most of the time and only cried for feeds and baths so I think she should be okay. PLEASE be okay Ayra cause mama is a worry wort and a little bit sasau. Oh dear I shall miss her so very much. I know there would be a few kinks in the first week, but hopefully insyaallah she's settle into her new routine. Allah willing.

Personally, I think the working conditions in Malaysia is not really friendly towards the family unit especially for mommies and nursing mommies . A majority of major companies and employers do not provide nurseries or breastfeeding rooms for female employees and I'm almost certain that providing childcare in the office environment is something that is unheard of.

I think that employers should realise that a mommy employee that has peace of mind about the whereabouts of her babies or children would be a more productive and happy employee.

ANYWAYS- on a much more lighter note, we went to get Ayra's first passport photo as we would be taking a trip abroad this June insyallah, she was asleep and we had to shake her up a bit for her to open her eyes, she was so terkejut with the flash and everything and only smiled after the photo was taken. She made me laugh. After that she feel asleep again. Such a seketul munchkin.
This is totally unrelated - but its amazing how hard it is to find nice stuff especially tops and b**s especially when you're nursing, so it has become my personal mission ( kesian the H) to hunt for tops that are nursing friendly and yet look sane and decent enough to wear to work and beyond.
I think its okay to still want to look fashionable eventhough you're mommy. So there. Besides I like working on new looks! Its fun and it kind of challenges me creatively because I wear the hijab, so my wardrobe has to revolve around making the pieces work with my scarf.
And am happy to report that button downs and black tights are now my new best friends, although the H is still in doubt whether he wants to be my best friend after I took him around and around and around- Jangan putus asa sama saya yaaaaa. Saya sayang banget ngan kamu.
Until the next attack. Thanks for stopping by.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

For My Sister .


Today is my little sister's birthday, she is however not so little anymore. ( there are some parts of her that are still small but I shall not elaborate! heh. Time flies. But my heart would forever be stuck in the same place for my lego and lasy partner and our special t***k goyang dances in the bathroom!

Dear Emil.

A few words, painless and short,
It’s your birthday, be a sport.
At your age, you look great,
Have you been, lifting weight?

Wish you health, and all the best,
Joy and laughter, I suggest.
Happy birthday, one more time,
Times are tough; here’s a dime.

ha. ha. ha.

I love you always emilotchilot!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A heart is just an organ right?

Ayra pun pening

I cannot believe it. I still cannot believe it. When they announced the results it was as if everyone had voted by happily throwing caution to the wind and did not give a damn what will eventually happen to the future of this country.

Politics and politicians have always amazed me. I have seen good and decent people turn into absolute morons because of politics. Its not that I place much faith in the local political system anyway, its just sometimes you hope against all odds that someone would quickly realize what is happening and start to change things, yes the idealist in me never sleeps!

Oh well. Shit happens. And to add icing to the cake, I’m down with the flu, I feel so tired and I have as little as 13days to spend fulltime with Ayra before I go back to busy busy Bangsar. SIGHS.

The lil one has been growing so much I hate to think that I will eventually miss some of her ‘firsts’ due to work commitments, I dread to think that one day I’ll come back from work and just wonder how come my little baby has grown up so fast and I wasn't there. Ayra Rayyan - one month plus

Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Sacrifices are never easy especially if they are so adorable. I'll be such a heartbroken mess when I get back to work.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Panas & Gemok

At this particular moment in time – about a month after the birth of my daughter -- I have a closetful of jeans in a variety of sizes, none of which fit. My breasts are so saggy that when I look in the mirror I see Opah ( sorry opah) and images of her flashing her boobs and declaring proudly that she has breastfed eight children, while they hang down very dangerously close to her waist.. In other words, I'm not feeling especially hot. The last thing I need is people telling me that if I’m not careful I could end up looking erm macam ‘mak mak’ mcm ‘mak orang’ mcm ‘makcik’ eh bodoh ke korang nie! I’m a mak and a makcik already to begin with!

I know I should not let this kind of crap take a swing at my self-confidence!

But I really need time, it took nine months to gain this all this weight so I would need at least nine months to lose all of it back. And I don't get this culture that obsesses about how much people weigh to begin with, I just gave birth for crying out loud, nobody gets back their post-pregnancy figure like a month after, NOT EVEN YOU.

I still think I'm doing kinda of okay and my progress has been good, even if I'am not back to my original weight (yet!) not that its any of your business to begin with. So there will be no marathon workouts and eating only raisins, I'am doing it my way.

SO. Get off my back, and please don't give me unwanted advice unless you look like Angelina Jolie-

Friday, March 13, 2009

Baby's Day Out with Socks!

Ayra, all dressed up for her trip to see Mr Doctor
Hello World!

Ayra was due for her first trip to the pediatrician last weekend - And I got excited as well as this meant another outing for me YAY! She was also due for her first vaccine. At first I was a bit apprehensive that she was going to really cry her lungs out- in the end she only let out a little disapproving squeak, and promptly fell asleep.

The doc said that maybe because of her experience in the neonatal unit she sort of got used to being poked. Oh well. Alhamdullilah everything went well. Still I'm very proud of her for being very brave! GOOD GIRL.

Being confined is not fun, especially for yours truly - and I'm missing the outside world a bit, its funny when I was working and was outside most of the time I just longed to spend time at home and chill now stepping out of the door is like a major achievement! Especially with the budak cemetot in tow!

And no more cute handbags for me! I'm glad that the big slouchy handbags are in now as I can manage to stuff most of Ayra's things in the bag which includes pampers, a change of clothes, lotions and potions a relief bottle, extra breast pads, a changing mat and a change of clothes for me too just in case of poopies and too much milk accidents! - The H also carries a bag with all these things and we have a double version of everything just in case.

PHEW. parenting is not for the faint hearted! ( and no I'm not being perasan here just reflecting) . Love your parents people!

Actually I have been outside of the house a number of times during 'confinement' but mostly the trips are to see 'Mak Jah' the eccentric bidan , who calls everyone ' sayang' and 'manja' and other terms of endearment. I'am glad Mama booked her, I feel so loved everytime we have our sessions!

In traditional Malay culture, after you give birth the mother and baby are confined in the home and are not allowed of the house for 45 to 60 days some even go as far as 100 days - mostly for health and superstitious reasons. The Mother and the newborn are then cared for by a bidan ( a midwife or confinement lady). The term confinement is derived from the word ' confine' which basically means " something that encloses and restrains".

And believe me the list of restrictions are endless! Everyday my meals consist of plain rice, haruan or tenggiri fish and plain water at room temperature. Portions are kept small and compact. Besides that I also swallow a myriad of 'jamu' ( traditional medicine of malay and javanese origin supposedly to help put everything back in its place) and drink a cocktail of 7 herbs mixed with honey. My tummy gets tucked into place with a 'bengkung' a piece of white cloth binded tightly with tumeric, salt and asam jawa.

the 15 types of leaves that have to be dried and boiled for my bathwater

And then there is this secret obsession with socks. Visitors who come to visit Ayra and me would gape in horror at my bare feet( I know I have'nt had a pedicure in ages, but I try my best to keep them tootsies clean and you can't stare at people's feet! its rude!) Its just sometimes there's too many rules to remember and I feel weird walking around the house in socks and my feet tend to get a bit funky after being in socks all day!

So, my point is occasional outings are good. If only to serve the purpose of balancing my already loony and mad state of mind due to lack of sleep. But don't worry the lil one is very very loved!

Monday, March 2, 2009

Happy Birthday Muhammad Afiq!

It was the H’s birthday last Saturday! (28.2) Since I’am still in confinement, we had a simple do at home, but with lots of good food that I didn’t get to eat! ;-9 Ayra slept throughout the whole occasion and the in-laws come over. My kind of party!! Small but filled with love! ;-)

Happy Birthday B! The years seem to fly by don’t they? And now we have Ayra! Its different, we are learning new things, we now can't sleep - - the world now is filled with nappy changes, naps, diapers and baby poo ;-) but I love you just the same! and most importantly hopefully
* * " forever and ever babe " * *

squished tiramisu?
I'am not sure what the in laws did, heh heh but the H shares the same birthday with my brother in law Aizhad so Happy Birthday to you too! they brought over a tiramisu cake ( my fav) which got squished on the way - - I can't have cake cause apparently eggs will make the c-section scar itch! Yah!! And I still have a long wayyyy to go in terms of being confined. Which is another story for another post during one of Ayra's longer naps ;-)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Bikini Cut. Battle Scars and Baby 101, and Emil a whole paragraph dedicated to YOU!

My c- section scar looks like The Joker. Red. Evil and Smiling damn it. It should not look so happy when it hurts like crazy.!! My tummy looks like a kangaroo pouch but not as adorable, my skin is going haywire plus I’am sweating like miss piggy. Yarkhhhhhhhhhh. Issues. Issues. Issues.

And yes these things make me go crazy and I shouldn’t be so VAIN. But I’am so there.

Besides that I feel exhausted. I didn’t know that such a little person can be so much work!! She’s been home a week but to me it seems like a lifetime (I’m not complaining just simply amazed that a 3kg human can take so much out of you)

Ayra Rayyan the day we took her home from the hospital- the H has issues with pink things so we dressed her up in white and blue!

Plus there is so much to learn, and I did not have a clue that breastfeeding would be super challenging and would hurt!I guess the most useful advice I got was from Kak Shikin, who told me to sleep a lot during my late pregnancy as your sleeping patterns would never be the same. SO TRUE!!

The thing that is making me a bit blue is the operation I had which makes me wayyy too dependent with everyone around me – I hate being dependent and not being able to care for Ayra properly. But everyone around the house have been helping me a lot, terima kasih daun keladi – but I wish I could do the most of the regular things on my own like giving Ayra a bath, cuddling her while walking, and taking a bath! (Ish I hate not being mobile. )And I hate not being able to properly bathe since I have to keep the cut dry so that it would heal properly.

Taking a bath now takes me more than an hour its like a whole ritual where I have to cover the incision with plastic that’s used to cover food, so that it stays dry and then after my bath I need to use a hairdryer to dry the scar further. I can’t bend yet so which makes everything complicated.

I have to use ‘suam’ water which is boiling water mix with cold water to bathe and I’am still bleeding - so I need to change pads, and then because of the suam water my breast leaks as well so then I need breast pads ( I feel very padded mcm ice hockey punya goalie!) By the time I’am done and feel decently clean, Ayra needs to have her bath which is like a major workout and I start sweating again…..SIGH.

How does Angelina Jolie look so so good damn it, I hate her.

But, I'am glad that Ayra's well and drinking a LOT of milk which is a good sign, I'am so glad that she's home with me and everything is worth it when I see her face even with just one eye open -- she likes to wink and has lazy sepet eyes. Sorryla here I go babbling about my baby, can't help it she is kinda rockin my world now literally ;-)
Ayra in her first dress! She was expecting her first visit from Lola Lin and Tok so I thought it was the correct occasion! I heart obaibi ( its a baby store) which sells clothes that fit nicely! Tok also gave her bath, thank you tok!

Assalamualaikum! wink wink tee hee. No big eyes but still adorable none the less. At least I think so, tak kisahla whatever people want to say heh!

My sister emil called the other day and I couldn't layan her properly and was not really my drama crazy self because they were guests in the house!! Sorry Emil -- I love you!!! tapi susah la nak gossip byk byk when there's people around. Actually I have like a thousand things to tell you - - - can't wait till you can come back and meet budak kechik nie!!! Oh and kinda posted a byk jugak piccies for you to see. Suka tak?

Sunday, February 15, 2009


Ayra a few hours after birth and winking away --- yahhh heart melts.. and saying hello to the world!
Daddy-o and baby Ayra Rayyan - having a moment. ( as you can see daddy is kinda of tearing up hehe, i snap this pic quickly so he tak sempat pose!)

Ayra Rayyan B Muhammad Afiq


on her second day in the neonatal unit!

she is a strong beautiful girl

get well soon Ayra!

Sitting here days after giving birth to my beautiful baby girl , my head spins with thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am not sure exactly how a person is suppose to feel after becoming a mother for the first time.

All I can say right now to future mommies, to all mommies- I have so much respect for you... for all the pain you had to go through. I think its true what they say you can never really began to understand how a mother feels, until you are one. Mama you're one tough cookie, I love you very much.

And Papa - I love you too! Fathers also go through a lot. Especially with daughters.. its a very complex thing- but despite everything and during the t difficult delivery I was extremely grateful you were there, could not have made it without your support and love and prayers. Daddy's are the best!

I'am still nervous about how I will make all this work especially when the H goes back to work and I will be left to care for Ayra myself ( yup that's her name) full name is Ayra Rayyan which is a mixture of armenian and arabic. Its all very new and a bit overwhelming.

I'am especially scared, because of Ayra's delicate condition and because I'am not really mobile myself at the moment - due to the emergency c- section - I feel like I have been run down by a truck three times over. But everytime I see her face and cuddle her close, I feel that I can take over the world, despite the odds against me.

So many people visited, texted and called to wish me and my little family well, I'am so grateful for everything
. I'am at loss for words at the moment. So I'll let e.e cummings help me. And since its just a day after V-day I'am dedicating this post for the loves of my life, there are no words that can describe the huge huge huge amount of love I have for you.But I think this will have to do for the moment.

Especially for Baby Ayra Rayyan (mama loves you!) Muhammad Afiq Hanif,(bestest everest little man a little lady can have!) Mama, Papa, Emil and Muse too, Iyas, Naa and Iman (whom will always be my 'rat pack') The Mokhtars and extended family members - such colourful, wonderful people. I love you. Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers... XOXOXOXOXO.

The circle - Chena, Adek, Haikal, Iema and hubby oso and Neena- sayang kat korang slaloo.

And if I forgot to mention anyone else please blame the mind and not the heart and also maternity brains. he. Enjoy the poem.

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it's you are whatever a moon has always mean and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart).

Monday, February 9, 2009

Melancholy Melons

I'am feeling gloomy and a bit restless - so this is going to be a draggging post. And I can drag ( according to my dear editors) so please do not hesitate to refrain yourself from reading any further, if you're not in the mood to hear a waddling watermelon whine.

Everything now is sort of mixed in my head like a good plate of rojak. I lose track of my thoughts, forget things, am extremely moody, and on top of that I'am worried about future events, you know the small things like will I be a good parent? will we be good parents? what will happen when the pains finally start to come? will I be able to handle it and yada yada yada.....

I guess its nothing to be alarmed about right? I mean everyone worries about the same thing? I'am of course perfectly mentally well. Only I'am about to become a nervous wreck. Geesh. I feel like Ally Mcbeal. I should just start talking walls and mirrors right now.

Okay the real thing that is bugging me right at this very moment is its one day to my due date - which is tomorrow. Its 8.00 am now and I'am here writing away to keep my sanity, ( erm if I was ever sane to begin with) because everything just seems to be soo soo normal to the point that anything else might seem slightly interesting.

Let me backtrack a bit.
Last week during my hospital visit( my visits are weekly now since I'am in my 39th week and supposedly I can deliver anytime?) my ob-gynae did the cardiotocography (CTG) scan which basically measures your baby's heartbeat and activity level plus your contraction levels.

I was annoyed because H could not come in with me to the ultrasound room ( I'am not sure why) Its a very uncomfortable procedure to me because I have to lie on my back for 15 minutes staring at the ceiling hooked to machines and because the room is nearby I think a karim rojak stand - I can actually hear people ordering rojak alongside my baby's heartbeat! ( how's that for magical moments?)
So according to the graph results produced by this machine, everything is progressing okay but a little slowly- meaning baby is active (good) but I have no major contractions yet ( erm don't know if this is good).

Doc told me not to worry so much as only five per cent of babies are born on their expected due date. She did ask me about date preferences though - since I'am expected to see her again tomorrow and if I really wanted baby to come tomorrow we could try to induce labor!

I almost felt like bursting right there and then and perhaps scatter her office wall with some brain matter and blood! I mean I can be impatient most times according to H and other reliable sources BUT ultimately the ball is in baby's court. She'll come when she's ready kan?( which hopefully will not be tooooo long please baby)

So, I asked the Doc that when will she consider baby being overdue- she said that she usually gives it a week- then she would strongly suggest to induce labor.. I have heard some scary stories that inducing hurts ten times more that natural labor - supposedly because natural labor is drawn out and induced labor is much faster? Gahhh. Gahhh. Gahhh.
HELP! i need a very big breakfast now!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

- - Al Fatihah - -

"To Allah (Almighty God) we belong, and to Him is our return." (Holy Qur'an 2:156) / Al fatihah.

My Opah busu passed away today, a nice small lady who used to mind me while mama was at work in Perak, she slept at my house prior to my wedding to help with the preparations and also came to my engagement.

I know that death is inevitable, that every living thing must die, it is the order of things. I also know it can be difficult to deal with especially when it is a death of a loved one

I'am a bit upset, that I can't go and that I can only send her my prayers from afar due to my condition. My thoughts and prayers are with her family though --