Tuesday, December 29, 2009

He knows best

this picture has nothing to do with my post, but it reminded me of Ayra.

It has taken me quite a long time ( in my view at least) to calmly accept things as they are and to not question my fate or whatever that has been put in my way.

I may not be the most pious of people, but I always strongly believe in one thing - that Allah knows what is best for us.

I’m submitting an application today for something that I really want for myself, my daughter and family. Its as simple as that. Its not about anything else attached with it.

I was late submitting the forms as work has been hectic, things at home has also been hectic and because my parents and the siblings were away for a very long time dealing with the maid has also been hectic. (I secretly think she is whackd, but that is another story for another day)

The H called me and said “ Erm macam takde chance je nie ramai sgt orang mintak nie, dah ada sampai yg jampi jampi borang nie pun,”

On the night that I went to Aunty Aini’s house to get all my documents verified she said “ Liyana, ramai orang mintak nie, maybe you should ask mama to talk to the dean, or maybe nak aunty cakapkan kat dean tak?,”

The Malaysian way of getting what you want - get strong cables. You’ll be set for life. But why can anyone be accepted because they deserve it because you know they have the potential (also another story for another day.)

So whatever happens, I will leave it to him, as he knows best.

“…and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (Surah Baqarah: 216)

Al-Hasan al-Basri said: “Do not resent the calamities that come and the disasters that occur, for perhaps in something that you dislike will be your salvation, and perhaps in something that you prefer will be your doom.”

“And when someone puts all his trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.” (Surah at-Talaaq:3)

So I have faith in Him and trust in Him and although, sometimes I may not understand the reason behind certain things, I know that whatever he wills for me is for the best.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Seperti Pungguk Rindukan Bulan

At exactly this point in time while listening to politicians talk about god knows what in vocal chords that are straining I'am missing my daughter.

They are I think talking about unity, changes, the future. I am thinking about my cosy bed, the laundry, my parents, my husband, charles and keith wedges and how I can't really afford the shoes, not this month anyway.

They go on on and on. But everything just sorts of fade into the background turning into smoke. Funny, they way they keep talking about empowering everything and I'am still running around to public toilets to pump milk for her.

* I mean they are rooms provided for breastfeeding at malls, but there is only one small room provided in a general big room for babies - for nappy change and everything else *

So forgive me for being cynical. Words are just words after all, and most of the time talk is cheap. All I wanted to do today when I woke up was roll around in bed with her, and this is still what I want to do at exactly 5.00pm.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Am so stressed out. The past week, well, I’m not going to lie, I just want to walk out the door and run away.

I fantasize that I get into a cab, pretend to go to work when instead I go to the airport, and fly to a warm tropical island, with a really beautiful beach, and get served apple crumble and cold lemon juice the whole week. Can anyone help me with this? Can anyone help me escape? Really, can you kidnap me?

So, yes, I fantasized all week long about the perfect getaway.

There are some days that I just do not want to deal. I just don't want to do anything or think about anything.I just don’t want to do anymore laundry, dishes, office work pretending about a variety of matters, dinner ,picking up toys,billschanging the sheets and unscrubbed toilets.

I do not want to think about the leak near the sofa, the dirty balcony from the rain and my bank balance.

Lets not even talk about the stares at work that I get for daring to leave early after I finished to squeeze some play time in with my daughter instead of just arriving to pick her up when she is about to fall asleep and is not in the best of moods..

And the worst part of the week was the big argument I had with the H on what else, FINANCIAL MATTERS. I hate having arguments about money. I detest it. So the argument not only majorly made me physically sick it is still leaving traces of anxiety and headaches in its dreadful wake.

Couple these frantic headaches with heartaches and lack of sleep due to Ayra's change in sleeping patterns - again, I swear I want to just disappear.
After hitting rock-bottom the only way you can go is up right?

Free hugs anyone?