Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Bikini Cut. Battle Scars and Baby 101, and Emil a whole paragraph dedicated to YOU!

My c- section scar looks like The Joker. Red. Evil and Smiling damn it. It should not look so happy when it hurts like crazy.!! My tummy looks like a kangaroo pouch but not as adorable, my skin is going haywire plus I’am sweating like miss piggy. Yarkhhhhhhhhhh. Issues. Issues. Issues.

And yes these things make me go crazy and I shouldn’t be so VAIN. But I’am so there.

Besides that I feel exhausted. I didn’t know that such a little person can be so much work!! She’s been home a week but to me it seems like a lifetime (I’m not complaining just simply amazed that a 3kg human can take so much out of you)

Ayra Rayyan the day we took her home from the hospital- the H has issues with pink things so we dressed her up in white and blue!

Plus there is so much to learn, and I did not have a clue that breastfeeding would be super challenging and would hurt!I guess the most useful advice I got was from Kak Shikin, who told me to sleep a lot during my late pregnancy as your sleeping patterns would never be the same. SO TRUE!!

The thing that is making me a bit blue is the operation I had which makes me wayyy too dependent with everyone around me – I hate being dependent and not being able to care for Ayra properly. But everyone around the house have been helping me a lot, terima kasih daun keladi – but I wish I could do the most of the regular things on my own like giving Ayra a bath, cuddling her while walking, and taking a bath! (Ish I hate not being mobile. )And I hate not being able to properly bathe since I have to keep the cut dry so that it would heal properly.

Taking a bath now takes me more than an hour its like a whole ritual where I have to cover the incision with plastic that’s used to cover food, so that it stays dry and then after my bath I need to use a hairdryer to dry the scar further. I can’t bend yet so which makes everything complicated.

I have to use ‘suam’ water which is boiling water mix with cold water to bathe and I’am still bleeding - so I need to change pads, and then because of the suam water my breast leaks as well so then I need breast pads ( I feel very padded mcm ice hockey punya goalie!) By the time I’am done and feel decently clean, Ayra needs to have her bath which is like a major workout and I start sweating again…..SIGH.

How does Angelina Jolie look so so good damn it, I hate her.

But, I'am glad that Ayra's well and drinking a LOT of milk which is a good sign, I'am so glad that she's home with me and everything is worth it when I see her face even with just one eye open -- she likes to wink and has lazy sepet eyes. Sorryla here I go babbling about my baby, can't help it she is kinda rockin my world now literally ;-)
Ayra in her first dress! She was expecting her first visit from Lola Lin and Tok so I thought it was the correct occasion! I heart obaibi ( its a baby store) which sells clothes that fit nicely! Tok also gave her bath, thank you tok!

Assalamualaikum! wink wink tee hee. No big eyes but still adorable none the less. At least I think so, tak kisahla whatever people want to say heh!

My sister emil called the other day and I couldn't layan her properly and was not really my drama crazy self because they were guests in the house!! Sorry Emil -- I love you!!! tapi susah la nak gossip byk byk when there's people around. Actually I have like a thousand things to tell you - - - can't wait till you can come back and meet budak kechik nie!!! Oh and kinda posted a byk jugak piccies for you to see. Suka tak?

Sunday, February 15, 2009


Ayra a few hours after birth and winking away --- yahhh heart melts.. and saying hello to the world!
Daddy-o and baby Ayra Rayyan - having a moment. ( as you can see daddy is kinda of tearing up hehe, i snap this pic quickly so he tak sempat pose!)

Ayra Rayyan B Muhammad Afiq


on her second day in the neonatal unit!

she is a strong beautiful girl

get well soon Ayra!

Sitting here days after giving birth to my beautiful baby girl , my head spins with thoughts, feelings and emotions. I am not sure exactly how a person is suppose to feel after becoming a mother for the first time.

All I can say right now to future mommies, to all mommies- I have so much respect for you... for all the pain you had to go through. I think its true what they say you can never really began to understand how a mother feels, until you are one. Mama you're one tough cookie, I love you very much.

And Papa - I love you too! Fathers also go through a lot. Especially with daughters.. its a very complex thing- but despite everything and during the t difficult delivery I was extremely grateful you were there, could not have made it without your support and love and prayers. Daddy's are the best!

I'am still nervous about how I will make all this work especially when the H goes back to work and I will be left to care for Ayra myself ( yup that's her name) full name is Ayra Rayyan which is a mixture of armenian and arabic. Its all very new and a bit overwhelming.

I'am especially scared, because of Ayra's delicate condition and because I'am not really mobile myself at the moment - due to the emergency c- section - I feel like I have been run down by a truck three times over. But everytime I see her face and cuddle her close, I feel that I can take over the world, despite the odds against me.

So many people visited, texted and called to wish me and my little family well, I'am so grateful for everything
. I'am at loss for words at the moment. So I'll let e.e cummings help me. And since its just a day after V-day I'am dedicating this post for the loves of my life, there are no words that can describe the huge huge huge amount of love I have for you.But I think this will have to do for the moment.

Especially for Baby Ayra Rayyan (mama loves you!) Muhammad Afiq Hanif,(bestest everest little man a little lady can have!) Mama, Papa, Emil and Muse too, Iyas, Naa and Iman (whom will always be my 'rat pack') The Mokhtars and extended family members - such colourful, wonderful people. I love you. Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers... XOXOXOXOXO.

The circle - Chena, Adek, Haikal, Iema and hubby oso and Neena- sayang kat korang slaloo.

And if I forgot to mention anyone else please blame the mind and not the heart and also maternity brains. he. Enjoy the poem.

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)I want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)and it's you are whatever a moon has always mean and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart).

Monday, February 9, 2009

Melancholy Melons

I'am feeling gloomy and a bit restless - so this is going to be a draggging post. And I can drag ( according to my dear editors) so please do not hesitate to refrain yourself from reading any further, if you're not in the mood to hear a waddling watermelon whine.

Everything now is sort of mixed in my head like a good plate of rojak. I lose track of my thoughts, forget things, am extremely moody, and on top of that I'am worried about future events, you know the small things like will I be a good parent? will we be good parents? what will happen when the pains finally start to come? will I be able to handle it and yada yada yada.....

I guess its nothing to be alarmed about right? I mean everyone worries about the same thing? I'am of course perfectly mentally well. Only I'am about to become a nervous wreck. Geesh. I feel like Ally Mcbeal. I should just start talking walls and mirrors right now.

Okay the real thing that is bugging me right at this very moment is its one day to my due date - which is tomorrow. Its 8.00 am now and I'am here writing away to keep my sanity, ( erm if I was ever sane to begin with) because everything just seems to be soo soo normal to the point that anything else might seem slightly interesting.

Let me backtrack a bit.
Last week during my hospital visit( my visits are weekly now since I'am in my 39th week and supposedly I can deliver anytime?) my ob-gynae did the cardiotocography (CTG) scan which basically measures your baby's heartbeat and activity level plus your contraction levels.

I was annoyed because H could not come in with me to the ultrasound room ( I'am not sure why) Its a very uncomfortable procedure to me because I have to lie on my back for 15 minutes staring at the ceiling hooked to machines and because the room is nearby I think a karim rojak stand - I can actually hear people ordering rojak alongside my baby's heartbeat! ( how's that for magical moments?)
So according to the graph results produced by this machine, everything is progressing okay but a little slowly- meaning baby is active (good) but I have no major contractions yet ( erm don't know if this is good).

Doc told me not to worry so much as only five per cent of babies are born on their expected due date. She did ask me about date preferences though - since I'am expected to see her again tomorrow and if I really wanted baby to come tomorrow we could try to induce labor!

I almost felt like bursting right there and then and perhaps scatter her office wall with some brain matter and blood! I mean I can be impatient most times according to H and other reliable sources BUT ultimately the ball is in baby's court. She'll come when she's ready kan?( which hopefully will not be tooooo long please baby)

So, I asked the Doc that when will she consider baby being overdue- she said that she usually gives it a week- then she would strongly suggest to induce labor.. I have heard some scary stories that inducing hurts ten times more that natural labor - supposedly because natural labor is drawn out and induced labor is much faster? Gahhh. Gahhh. Gahhh.
HELP! i need a very big breakfast now!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

- - Al Fatihah - -

"To Allah (Almighty God) we belong, and to Him is our return." (Holy Qur'an 2:156) / Al fatihah.

My Opah busu passed away today, a nice small lady who used to mind me while mama was at work in Perak, she slept at my house prior to my wedding to help with the preparations and also came to my engagement.

I know that death is inevitable, that every living thing must die, it is the order of things. I also know it can be difficult to deal with especially when it is a death of a loved one

I'am a bit upset, that I can't go and that I can only send her my prayers from afar due to my condition. My thoughts and prayers are with her family though --

Monday, February 2, 2009

Tales of engagement, pelvises and Yee Sang !

I'am trying to get my mind off my impending due date - - although my life seems to centre around everything baby these days . I'am officially full term, but everything seems to be pretty NORMAL!

I've been walking about quite a lot - since I've heard that it speeds up the process of the baby to be in the right position - which is called being engaged - when the baby's head descends into your pelvis. ( I know sounds really freaky kan?) but everytime I do that my feet tend to swell up like balloons, I'am left with ugly huge feet, i feel awful, tired and irrated and practically ready to kill someone.

So - I've been told by the doc to keep active but to also rest a lot (HUH?) - which does not help cause how can you keep active if you need to rest. Seems like a math equation to me!

There has been a lot of confusion in my life- but this seems to take the cake. I'am throughly confused, very scared and totally clueless, which is not something new but I hope everything turns out well -- I'am so anxious to meet this little person who has been living in me for the past nine months. I hope she likes me. Right there we go baby talk again!

So since it was Chinese New Year a while back, the H insisted that we try Yee Sang – a dish of raw fish slices mixed with crunchies and other ingredients plus sauces of various kinds.
He had tried it at a couple of assignments - and found that he liked it, and insisted that I and one of our good friends from college (also being major foodies)
try it as well.

the plate of mixed yee sang that we had - they even gave us free sprite! this plate costs RM38 which I'am not really sure is the standard price or not

the H and Chena enjoying their Yee Sang after much vigorous tossing hehehe - its salmon yee sang by the way --
I think part of the attraction or fun of eating yee sang comes from ' 'participation' - all those present at the dinner table, whether young or old, men or women, are supplied with chopsticks and are actively encouraged to indulge in boisterous mixing of the ingredients simultaneously. Thus, a feeling of togetherness/bonding/affirmation of ties/social solidarity is created at the same time.
I suppose one could also say that the kids enjoy this because it allows them the rare chance of playing with their food! ( I suspect this why the H likes it as well!)