Tuesday, March 22, 2011

a piece of peace

Right now where I'am currently in my life there is noise, and I can't really separate the genuine ones from the fakes, which often leads to trouble. I'am also working extra hard because I feel there are big changes coming and I need to be ready to weather the storm. But because you are there in the midst of it all there is calmness in my heart because you complete me. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

the hardest thing

SO far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life is work and be a mom at the same time. Actually I don't really favour the term 'working mom', basically all mom's are working moms, just with different challenges.

practicing our left wing unconventional posses;-)
What I want to talk about and put on record here is the challenges of a mom working outside away from home and with a crazy schedule, plus shifts.

*mari insert iklan kat sini untuk tabik spring to mama* 

The great balancing act. *susah hokay sometimes rasa nak nangis balik rumah to mama* * hahahaha tak habis habis nak duduk bawah ketiak mama* 

I have to deal with schedules, roster my time at least two months before, plan outfits for work a week ahead, Ayra is starting to eat more now so I have to plan menu's for her cause she is a fussy eater, at the same time I'm struggling to wean her off BM.

Ayra also has the energy of  ten men at 8.30pm at night when I pick her up.

Couple that with major guilt trips yeah you get my drift.

That is why everytime people tell me they're tired I wonder how tired they really are. Because everytime I say I'm tired I'am really dead tired. I'm so tired, it would take severe effort to even mention that I was tired or spell the word tired. 

There is so much to do and so little time. I wake up earlier than anyone else , When I get back from work, there is laundry and dishes waiting, and as my head barely touches the pillow, Its another day.

So why did I choose to work? Because I grew up with a working mom and she made it work, we didn't turn out perfect, there were some bumps growing up. But my siblings are the most grounded wonderful full of personality people I know, with their heads firmly rooted on their shoulders. 

As elaborated earlier. It was a choice I made. Yes there is an enormous sense of guilt in fact I think the guilt never really goes away. BUT I feel that I can be better parent if I'am given my space to grow as well. Different people will have different choices and I'am not penalising any of them, this is just how I feel. 

I like the sense of being independent and being able to contribute to the family income. I like it that I pay for my own stuff and I don't need to ask the H for pocket money. I like it that if something happens, I can support my daughter and I like it that Ayra already has savings.

These things are important to me. Other parents might have other ideas.

And if I can achieve half of what parents did, I would consider myself successful. I'am trying to raise one little person. They raised five. So if they can do it so can I. 

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Rough Patch

I want to go back to this. The Silly Billy happy me.
 Familiarity breeds contempt. So far this year been rocky. I feel like I’m losing my fighting spirit. That lovely argumentative spitfire part of my personality has been replaced by this wimp of a  person I hardly recognize.

That’s not the only thing I seem to be losing. I think some part of my brain has also decided to stop working.

Losing your sense of self is not fun at all. I want to go back to being me again.

GLEE - Season Finale Performance - "Over the Rainbow"

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

H - is for hubby.

Happy  28th Birthday to my best friend. roommate. housemate. soul mates.partner in crime.sleeping partner. punching bag.  daddy to my daughter. lover.husband. foodie buddy and more. Another year older but still my favourite guy ;)