Getting the Plague.

What the hell am I doing?

This was the question I posed to the H on our one hour jam filled journey back to my parents place. And the H being the H just said “Sabarlah we are coping the best way we can” this ladies and gentlemen is why I married the guy.

Still I constantly worry, feel like I’am and would be missing Ayra’s milestones (I have no idea what they might be but still!) and to add icing to the melting cake I feel this huge huge amount of guilt.

I read somewhere that you need to be the pilot of your own life. But right now I feel like am standing in a middle of a Robert Frost poem, thinking of journeying on a road less travelled.
I recall hearing somewhere that children never remember the times you were there, only when you weren't. Is that what I want? To be a memory of the mum who wasn't there?

Oh God.

Last night or shall I say morning around 3.00am I woke up not knowing when exactly did I fell asleep. I quietly watched Ayra who was asleep next to the H and felt this huge amount of guilt for not being there to catch her smiles and her gurgles. (she loves a good conversation) during the day.

I came back late yesterday and she promptly feel asleep in between feeds and in the morning I only managed to chat with her for about half an hour before passing her over to her nanna so that I could get ready for work. She feel asleep again in the car and then it was time to leave her again.

I miss the munchkin. I feel like I’m on autopilot travelling in out of my parallel universe.
Is there something out there that makes you use your brain, and earn money without breaking your heart ?