discovering fishbowls

us in front of the dubai museum ( pls forgive my geekiness I had to check out the museum) which is pretty cool because its partly underground) they also have previews of bedouin culture which is quite informative and simple to understand. ( not sure if this is the correct spelling) told you I was weird.

- the picture is of a pashmina shawl my parents bought in the old souq in Dubai. I loved the pattern which is a traditional ancient paisley pattern originating from Pakistan -

I'am on a four day break that started on tuesday and will end on friday... ( huge sighs) I havent been regularly posting - since my machine in the office is so near to the editors desk ( where they sit high up on their thrones staring at their pc in all seriousness when I actually think their checking out their facebook profiles. ( gahhhhh ;-) ) I mean you cant actually be serious all the time? bleurgh, changes have been going on the office and everyone is adjusting to the new regime! heh. Me included. I of course am always outside of the fishbowl. I try to fit in sometimes~ tapi i guess I'am just too weird. They have put in the education beat...mainly because I think they have no idea whatsoever of where to actually 'buang' me since my bylines have been very slow and I've written on very diverse subjects. (eh I can go on on and on about this so I will)

The problem is I have no one to look out for me there. The problem about favouritism is no matter how hard you deny you're being bias - you always are. Let me illustrate - you choose your friends right? and you always seem to have a favourite one that you feel most comfortable with. Its just how people react to people.

Sometimes you easily click with someone - at other times you have to try a little bit harder- and sometimes even if you try your hardest - you cant even click at all- I'am not agonizing over my fate here. I'am just trying to explain why these things happen. It just does. And its okay if I have no one to look out for me. maybe its one of these trials thing that make you a better person by the end of it.

Any maybe I'am not trying hard enough in putting myself out there - to be more assertive to promote my ideas - in order for my career to flourish so to speak. But I just cant push myself of the edge for some reason-----I cant conform to other people's aspirations and ideas of what should be done or what to write about to be on the map. I dont why but I just cant.

I guess the root of the matter is the voice, which has always been sort of a gift and a curse all in one. I was teased terribly about it since I was young and not many people can appreciate it - I still get those 'kesiannyer' comments which make me wnt to physically hurl something hard at the person's head.

So the insecurities manifest itself sometimes, I get scared to communicate my ideas because I figure people would just concentrate on the unimportant things. I have had this happen so many times especially when I meet new people I just stay queit so that my voice doesnt define who I am. Oh well.

maybe this is not what i'am suppose to be doing in my life. I'am so confused.

there is a lyric in a song that I like by James Morrison that aptly describes what is happening right now and it goes something like this

I'am not lost - I'am not lost - just undiscovered.