Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I'am not SKINNY

I was never the SKINNY girl gone fat. May I emphasize on the word NEVER.

I was always a chubby baby up to my swinging early twenties. The gene pool was something of a kind or cruel mix, ( which ever you prefer) I was always 'soft and all woman' right up to my b&b's .

Boys were a pest in the early acne ridden years oh and girls too for that matter.

They would tell me stupid things of how I should hunch because my two friends sticked out. No one apparently was aware of good posture. Everyone termed it as " jalan mendada" * rolls eyes* and you were ostracised because of it. No sane girl wanting to be popular should ever be friends with you.

Boys on the other hand would give me such comments that I would need to somehow fix myself (meaning physically) and change my personality ( stop having reading books and speaking English too much) so that I would blend in more. ( eyes now rolling out of my sockets.)

The joys of public schools cannot be denied. Thank god there was a decent library and there were numerous exits were I could escape when school and the people in it got on my nerves ( Ayra! this is NOT a good example!) :P

Funny thing is  same people who made my teenage life hell now want to be  friends of Facebook, (err yes you want to see how much I've grown have you!? sheesh)

Anyways back to the topic- people would often describe me as the 'chubby weird girl' or if ever there was a compliment  it would be oh she's 'cute' which is a code for I don't know which category to put you in, but I don't want to be mean so 'cute' it is!!

It didn't help that malay relatives can be a tad anal sometimes. My sister and me we were built differently and comparisons happened. My insecurities became worst.

I'am not  SKINNY. I'am normal sized.

In college, in the faculty that I was in emphasize was given on how you look on the outside, everyone I knew was watching what they ate. ( well most of them anyway) Funny thing was I met the H because we both liked food so much and when everyone was busy dieting so that it could fit into skinny jeans, I was going on food dates with the future H.

And then it was the WEDDING. The person sewing my dress said " Kakak kena slim sikit nanti baju yang design ni tak cantik" I was about 54kg at that time.

SO there was going to be only one wedding, I dieted for a few months. I ate soup and only water and had yoghurt for breakfast. I was angry and crabby but I was wearing a size 26 jeans and was a small 49kg's.

Then the honeymoon phase started. I became a little too happy we went on food trails whatever I lost I gained. Then my career started and I began to lose weight again because I was so depressed. Then I began comfort eating gained again.

Ayra happened and well during the pregnancy I was a rollling crabby peeing 75 kg ball of nerves.

Lost it again breasfeeding. Then gained it again due to stress. SO frankly am tired you know. Am just plain tired.







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