Sayang

The H is out of town for four days on a company trip to Vietnam, on my first weekend off for the month.When I found out he was going, I kind of freaked a little bit did a week long of complaining and finally settled into organising me and the munchkin’s schedules.

I made a long list of things that I needed to finish and planned some girly stuff to do and swore that I am going to have fun without him. I always think I am going to have fun without him.

Still, I end up missing him. Just when I thought that I needed some time to myself, I find myself just wanting to be with him.

Isn't that a funny thing, for weeks at a time wanting time alone for yourself, but then when the moment comes you just want to be with that particular person?

I guess there is truth to that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

It still suprises me how independent I think I am when I am with him and when he is gone I can't bear to be without him. It's a weird thing, this marriage stuff. ISh ISh ISh. Kenapalah sayang sangat dengan budak senget nie!

And yes its a jiwang- post. SO WHAT? I'am allowed not to have thoughts of mass destruction for a bit - -

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If I can cut myself into pieces and station pieces of me at everyplace that I have to be I would.

Our time now is mostly spent on the road, sometimes with the lil one in tow. We lead crazy topsy turvy lives. Sometimes I wonder if we would ever experience any sort of normalcy ever. I wonder if it would affect Ayra in anyway.

We have stuff in four places and we are always carrying three bags in the car for each of us. The backseat of the car is filled with files, plastic bags, the baby car seat my EBM ( expressed breast milk) equipment, towels, baby blankets, and more files.

Sometimes halfway on our way to work, we forget something back home and sometimes halfway on our way back home we get calls to come back to the office. Ayra is transferred from one place to the next macam nomad botak yg kecik . From small asyik on the move.

Our conversations consist of planning for the next day, week and month to coincide with our monthly work schedules and who would be available to replenish Ayra’s milk supply by lunchtime.

Sometimes I wonder if I’am really crazy to insist that my daughter is given breastmilk and minimal formula milk?

In between our attempts to spend time with Ayra spend time together, fill work commitments, fill family commitments and catch some sort of sleep, I can barely gather myself together, I feel like a bomb ready to explode at any minute.

And to make matters truly wonderful, I don’t even have a voice to scream.

I now know that my parents are superhumans. And I’am the daughter that did not inherit any of their superhuman abilities, because I feel like crawling into a dark hole and hibernating.

I also know now that 24hours in a day is never enough.

Okay. I’am going to pass out now.

My heart is outside my body.

introducing Muhammad Aisy Syamel Bin Haikal
Congratulations to Adek & Haikal
Aisy is super cute!

Motherhood means that you are no longer in control of your life.

You have absolutely no control over how much sleep you have, the course of your day, or your emotions. From day one of motherhood now until you die, your heart will live outside your body in the persona of your child/children, who are free to fill it up or abuse it at will.

And despite all this, I still cannot get enough of the lil munchkin.

Happy 3rd Month Ayra Rayyan, Mama loves you a lil bit too much in all your sepetness, dogolness and kopi susuness glory. You will always be my beautiful eldest baby girl.

Also Happy Mommies Day to all - a bit late as always tapi dengan hati yg sgt ikhlas heh.

To Mama Sweeto
You are my bestest everest everestest.
I'am glad now we get to celebrate together
XOXO

And a big thank you to the H and the family for making my first mother's day extra special. Kasut buaya saya sangat canggih - -

On another note, Ayra is now bald. heh. Not that she had much hair to begin with ;-) but hair grows... I would blog more about it, but my youngest sister sort of beat me to it : you can check out her post here : http://naziramokhtar.blogspot.com/2009/05/kimikos-first-on-shaving-midterms.html

Gtg motherhood duties are a callin!

This may concern you.

Money is not everything.

But not everyone understands this. Personally I think I’m not someone who is fussy with money. I try to give as much as I take and hopefully by doing this Allah will always murahkan my rezeki. Amin.

I truly believe in helping anyone who asks for help, genuinely or otherwise, because if a person is ‘ikhlas’ the rewards can be found elsewhere. (not that I’m encouraging anything here;-) hehe. I have a baby to support tau. heheh.

But seriously, I never make lists or ask back for money that I have loaned to anyone. I feel that being too ‘berkira’ and counting dollars and cents causes a lot of unwanted trouble and hurt.

Apa lagi with those who are closest and dearest to us.

Selagi I can afford , I love spending my hard earned money on my loved ones. It does not have to be much, but I like to treat my siblings and parents to a nice meal or give my siblings some spending money or buy little presents. It makes me happy and I want my salary to be ‘berkat’.

So, when someone close to me chooses to be ‘sgt sgt berkira’ it makes me sad. It makes me feel like I owe the person, a massive debt..

I hate the feeling..its as if everything that person ever gave to you or any favour that they have ever done for you needs to be repayed and was never ‘ikhlas’ in the first place.

Talk about emotional baggage kan?

As for you, I’ll never ever look at you the same way again. And I promise to never ask anything of you ever again. And I’m very very sorry for all the trouble you had to go through to come out with an f***king list of what we are worth.

I certainly think we are worth more, she is worth more than anything in this world and you can never put a price ever on anyone of us.

I realise the importance of saving especially now, but I realise the importance of giving too.I have always believed in this. No matter what people say. And yes I’m going to be freaking DEGIL about it.

I do not care how many lists you want to keep. I don’t want to be a part of any of your lists and I certainly DO NOT WANT YOUR MONEY.

I love the past. I cherish the present. And I look forward to the future.

The answer to your question is YES.

Samakan? hahaha.

Thank you for being in this game with me and not giving up.

Saya sgt menghargai.

Even when I'm being extra senget and very the makcik.

I'm sort of hoping I'll bounce back soon.

This is so random.

Saya minta maaf. Inspirasi ter'bantut' buat sementara waktu.

But you always inspire me. ;-)

Elmo Rocks!

I need some quality conversation!

ahhh, here comes elmo!

' Sit up straight elmo!'

' It is just me or are you really senget?'

Today everything seems stuck. Writing wise. I think I have that cursed ailment the feared ‘ Writers Block’

I don’t know why. Maybe its because I have been listening and singing too much of the highly addictive but strangely therapeutic ‘ Elmo’s Song’ that my daughter loves.

Elmo. The dreaded red monster that seeps into your subconscious.

Ini serious.

I sit at press conferences and I see him sort of hanging around and playing with the microphones and suddenly breaking into chorus ‘ lallalalalala’

Maybe I’am becoming delusional due to erratic sleeping patterns. He. But Ayra is in love with Elmo and everytime she has a temper the red guy sort of calms her down.

I have problems uploading the video from youtube so if you're interested in red monsters you can check out the video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSYadh2xmcI